The On Deck Circle

Note: This article was submitted by a very angry/bored/bitter Paul O’Neill. It is a bad sign that our hockey expert seemingly hates hockey.

Yeah I know what you’re thinking, who the hell would want to sit through an entire NHL all-star game, never mind care enough to blog it. Well, I’ve just made cup of tea, put in some laundry, hopped into my pajamas and it’s game time esse. Since I refuse to do any readings before finals and am currently girlfriendless, I really actually have nothing better to do besides cry myself to sleep and watch bad hockey.

6:26 – Opening face-off, and before I can think of anything funny to say or find something to rip on, Rick Nash scores 12 seconds in unassisted. Hey Rick, remember last year? Score in games that matter you fantasy point sucking tool.


6:27 – Another goal, this is going to be a gong-show. Eric Stall scores on Chris Osgood. Yeah, Chris Osgood is starting in an All-Star game. How ridiculous is that, you couldn’t have come up with this story on shrooms a few years ago. Going 20-3-2 and leading the league with a 1.87 GAA helps. Those numbers are so dirty I think I’m going to shower between periods.6:31 – Why is everyone so slow? I understand the no hitting and the lack of intensity, but isn’t this a league which prides itself on being the Fastest Game on Earth? Isn’t this an event which is supposed to showcase the game? I’m so bored I’m yelling at the TV calling offsides. It’s the most excited I’ve been all game.6:33 – Jovanovski with the first display off All-Star grit, gentling nudging Evgeni Malkin in what could be described as the first step to on-ice softcore porn. Props to Malkin though, it seems like only the young stars are displaying any sort of effort.

6:36 – OFFSIDE! Oh god, that was strangely satisfying.

6:39 – Markov from Richards, sweet backhand. My question is, I wonder how good he is at playing the stranger?

6:43 – They’re playing classical music in the arena, effectively destroying any potential sugar high the kids were looking forward to after getting their pre-game candy.

6:45 – Kovalchuk with some speed down the wing and the decible level in the arena rises to the equivalent of getting a blowjob on a Monday night in your basement when your parents are home.

6:46 – Ovechkin pots one and puts on a beautiful Siberian toothless grin. Man I love this guy, I wonder if he’s bisexual…

6:49 – Wow, they just showed Lidstrom’s plus minus stat from 1990/91, +380. That’s just ridiculous, how good is this guy? I hate the Wings; it’s so frustrating how amazing they are at drafting. Along with the Devils and Avalanche, no other team can boast a better draft record.

6:51 – “Another back door play by the East.” I’ll be compiling as many gay references made throughout the game as possible, because, well, if you watched the skills competition you know the NHL can be preeeeetty gay sometimes.

6:55 – East up 5-1 with another one by Ovechkin, I want to make love to him, I want him to hold me in his arms and tell me I’m pretty. Whateva!

6:58 – First intermission, I don’t know what to do with myself, I think I’ll just imagine the adventures going on in the gap in between Chris Pronger’s front teeth. Who knows what’s in there? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it the hungry hustler, Afroman? Either way he needs to see a dentist.

7:19 – I’m laughing as during the play they just cut to a full screen shot of Alyssa Milano for about ten to fifteen seconds. Thank you. Oh wait the play started? And they cut back to the game before asking if she was wearing any underwear, the only question anyone really wants answered.

7:26 – Does anybody like to score? I understand that they all want to make the pretty play and set each other up, but seriously, doesn’t anybody want to score? Shoot the puck. Score some goals. The record for most goals in an all-star game is 4, the way these lazy bastards are playing, if anybody cared it should be a cakewalk to set history.

7:31 – Nice speed up the middle and Nash uses his reach to deke out Vokoun. Finally somebody who is expending more energy than it would take to put on Velcro shoes.

7:38 – Nash almost pots the hat trick, big save by Vokoun.

7:41 – Niedermayer from Thornton. When you think about it, is there any other team in the league from the past five years that can boast as good of a defense as Anaheim? If Selanne comes back, I’m predicting them to beat the Wings and make it to the finals again.

7:45 – I understand that every team has to have one representative in the game. My question is: why in the name of Scarlet Johansson was Duncan Keith picked as the Blackhawk’s representative over Patrick Kane? Oh, you know, he’s only the leading rookie scorer, the first overall pick from last year’s draft, the leading candidate for the Calder trophy…and an American. The league blew a huge marketing opportunity to highlight one of the brightest young stars in the league, who is a rarity as is as an AMERICAN, to an AMERICAN audience.

7:49 – Kovalchuk is stoned twice in a row by Nabokov, the last time on a breakaway as time runs out. He had a little temper tantrum–finally a little emotion. I hope someone is drunk, somewhere.

7:50 – I’m not even going to comment on the intermission show. Next question.

8:11 – Puck drops, Tim Thomas is in net for the East, he is one old bastard. And just as I type that Getzlaf embarrasses him top shelf. 5-4 now for the East.

8:14 – Dirty, Rick Nash with the hat trick and we have a game. If he had done that move in the shootout challenge he probably would have won. They just showed a shot of a scantily clad lady on skates picking up some hats. I like the way they do things in Atlanta.

8:17 – Give and go by Hossa and Gomez and it’s 6-5 for the East. The pace is picking up.

8:19 – The East throws out Ovechkin, Malkin and Kovalchuk on a line. How scary is that line going to be for anyone playing Russia in 2010. They already have 103 goals between them this season.

8:20 – Phaneuf pots one to tie it at 6. If he nailed someone cutting across the ice I don’t see how you could not give him the MVP. I have a dream!

8:27 – They should put Thornton out there with Nash to get him his fourth. Although, the game is already in slow motion, so Thornton’s ability to slow the game down shall prove useless. Or maybe, possibly, we’ll enter a parallel universe or something crazy.

8:29 – Gaborik scores to make it 7-6 for the West. Cut to commercial. Cut to shot of me picking up loaded hand gun. Cut to emo shot of my brains splattering the wall behind my head. Cut to smile showing eternal happiness on my face.

8:32 – Another give and go for a goal between Kovalchuk and Stall. Tie 7-7. The suspense has hit a crescendo. And somewhere in Africa, a child is starving.

8:35 – Thomas with a huge save on Nash to prevent him from his fourth, foiled again!

8:37 – Three minutes left! No way this makes it to overtime without both teams at least scoring once.

8:40 – MARC SAVARD! MARC SAVARD! He shoots! He scores! I lose my mind! My heart is pounding. I smash my lamp! He’s a MONSSSTER! I rip my shirt off! I oil my body down! I don’t know where I’m going with this!

8:42 – The misery is over. My vote for MVP is Tim Thomas. He’s kind of swell. He made some big stops when the intensity picked up in the third. I need a drink.

Eric Stall ends up picking up the MVP award along with the proverbial truck that comes with it every year. Wait a second! How dare they! Isn’t this the same guy that put a huge black eye on the NHL by being put in the drunk tank on his bachelor party? That’s like awarding Michael Vick the MVP of the Pro Bowl. Well not quite, I don’t think Eric Stall is quite that gangster. He stills reads to his little brother before bed and has a subscription to People magazine. So it’s the NHL equivalent of Vick winning Pro Bowl MVP.

The thing that frustrates me about the All-Star Game is that there is so much room for improvement. It’s tough to watch a game with NHL players where there is no passion involved. It’s nothing like watching a game from the Stanley Cup Finals where players sacrifice their bodies at every opportunity for any chance of winning.

Obviously I understand that we won’t be able to get to that level of competitiveness in an All-Star Game, but some things can be done. There has to be some sort of pride or incentive for the players to actually care. The MLB has home field advantage in the World Series going to the winner of the All-Star Game, but I don’t see how that would work in the NHL. The game would have too much potential for injuries which would make any NHL GM cringe.

My one suggestion is to make the game 3 on 3 or 4 on 4. The Youngstars game during the skills competition was wide open, fast and exciting. Also, I would like to see all the young guys play together. They seemed to have more passion and determination than any of the veterans. Why not make the game 4 on 4, and splitting the teams up by age groups. How about one team consisting of players under 26, and the other of players over 26? The generation gap between teams might make it more competitive and provide at least a tiny bit of passion in the game. Having the young players play together will only increase their enthusiasm as they feed off of each other, determined to beat the older players they have grown up idolizing.

The most disappointing part of the game for me was that these guys can really fly. It was so frustrating watching a game in slow motion where nobody cared. These guys have wheels and it’s a shame they weren’t on showcase. Opening the game up with 3 on 3 or 4 on 4 will provide more room for the skilled players to make skilled plays and to really speed up the game.

Overall the game wasn’t far from what I was expecting. A lame, family friendly affair with no passion and a horrible display for one of the greatest games on Earth.

Note: This article was submitted by a very angry/bored/bitter Paul O’Neill. It is a bad sign that our hockey expert seemingly hates hockey.