The Playoffs have destroyed my sleeping patterns, my love life, and my ability to functionally put more than a few sentences together. In that spirit, let’s roll out a Conference Semi-Finals Edition of the Amble Tangents, also known as Imaginary Player’s Ramblings.

• If Kanye’s beast of a song, “Amazing,” is the official theme to the playoffs, why have I heard more from U2 and Rob Thomas than Mr. West on every single ABC broadcast? Is Mike Breen one of the many 808 haters?

• Best thing I can say about the Hornets performance this spring: at least it wasn’t as atrocious as the reimagining/defacement of Deadpool in Wolverine. In fact, I am pretty sure that by the end of Game 5 Chris Paul was searching for a magic adamantium bullet to wipe his memory of the disgrace that was their playoff “run”.

• LeBron’s reign is no longer a question of “if,” or even “when,” but of “how long.” He is Skynet, Durant is Jon Connor, and I am mixing analogies like its Judgment Day. (Did that make sense? I feel like it sort of did…)

• When can I start using “Ray Allen” as an adjective to describe anything that exudes dignity, class and character? For example, “President Obama is a very Ray Allen leader”.

• At some point soon, even Weezy is going to be able to look at Ron Artest and say, “Straight up, that man is crazy.”

• Ben Gordon just made him a good deal of F’U Money, which is all the more impressive considering he was seriously considering playing in Europe before the season began.

• I believe the posters advertising the circus outside the Staple Center Wednesday night read: “Behold the Black Mamba strike! Watch in amazement as The Martian Ron-Ron implodes! Marvel at the 7’6″ Invisible Man!”

• Note to Skip to My Lou: slapping another man upside the head because he is busting you up, and then lying about him elbowing you? Not gully. Not in the slightest.

• Please TNT, bring back Kenny’s Pictures. That nonsense you have him doing with the telestrator at the start of the Halftime Report is just painful to watch. Anyone that has seen it more than once can sense how much Charles wants to insult it but is being told not to.

• Who has a brighter future at this point, Derrick Rose or Kid Cudi? At gunpoint I’d say Rose, just because of how poorly everyone else Kanye has cosigned on has done. I think we can all agree that they are both better off than Asher Roth.

• If Dwight Howard truly cares about maximizing his potential, he will get Hakeem’s cell number off of someone after the Magic are eliminated next week. I’m not asking for the second coming of the Dream Shake, but give me something Superman!

• Shane Battier and Peyton Manning need to trade notes on their pregame preparation to prove once and for all who is the biggest analytical nerd in all of sports.

• Is it a bad sign that I am already wondering how Bosh will fit in with Dirk and Terry?

• It’s not fair to say that Vinny Del Negro couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag. Truth be told, he would use all of his timeouts too soon so that the bag had an advantage, try to have Brad Miller beat the bag in a footrace, and ultimately forget that he was trying to get out of the bag in the first place. Vinny Del Negro everyone!

• File those Chris Paul Right Guard ads under the Bad Idea Jeans category in his career resume. It saddens me that someone actually got paid to create those. Paul can take solace though from the fact that Chris Bosh is currently starring in what can only be deemed the “Worst Commercial of the Year” via that mind-degradingly awful Juicy Fruit ad. “CAN YOU IMAGINE, PLAYING WITH BOSH?!?” No, we can’t, because that is not at all what the first guy said to you, you psychopath!

• On the topic of TV, TSN2 would unquestionably win the title as “Worst Anything, Ever” if only Rogers Cable would let it have the spotlight all to itself. Thanks for the giant middle finger to NBA fans around Canada you guys. Trust us, we hate you both equally.

• Remember how everyone thought the Lakers made the Rad-man trade so they could get Morrison and that it was Shannon Brown that was the afterthought? Not so much.

• Despite his currently residence in Nigeria, my brother and I still trade NBA thoughts daily. I mention this because he shared the following gem with me this morning that was far more intelligent than anything I could have reckoned: “If Kobe could just get one more, and if it were to come by way of preventing LeBron from becoming Pharaoh, it would just add to his own history. I’m thinking of Gattaca and when Ethan Hawke explains that he was always able to swim farther because he never saved anything for the way back. I want that type of Finals and effort from Kobe.” Listen, any time you are able to string Pharaohs, Kobe and Gattaca into a singularly perfect idea, it needs to be shared.

• I miss seeing Pops mentally run circles around Craig Sager during his ‘At the Quarter’ interviews. Now all we have left is Big Chief Triangle.

WAIT A SECOND……..literally as I was writing this the Man-Ram news just exploded. ARod is smiling and feeling vindicated, just waiting now until Albert and Big Papi fall too. This is a dark day and I am too blown away to go on. As always, you’ve been great, be sure to tip your waiter and try the duck. Cheers!