With the NBA season a mere two weeks away, the time has arrived to yet again break out a fresh batch of predictions, forecasts, and best-guesses. Some of these season previews will undoubtedly offer up a list of banal platitudes and obvious observations (“The Lakers will be really good!” “The Kings won’t!”) to which I ask: where is the fun in that?

No friends, if The On Deck Circle is going to hand out a season’s worth of roundball predictions and prophecies, we are going to put our (my?) own twist on things. That is why this year’s version of the NBA Season Preview (now with 20% more Zing!) will be broken into two categories: Absurd and Astute. We’ll leave the insightful portion for tomorrow, and today offer up the zany, the jocular, the preposterous, and the possibly-Marburian.

1. On January 1st, the Bucks management team makes a radical decision.
After having already dropped out of playoff contention, the team’s
upper brass have an all-night brainstorming session for ways to drum
up fan interest. A bottle of Patron and an “Eddie” DVD later, they
decided to let different fans play as the team’s 12th man on 10-day
contracts for the remainder of the season. To their amazement, several
of the fans outplay Luc Mbah a Moute and Walter Sharpe in practice.
Ownership decides to slash payroll by composing the entire roster of
fans.

2. In an effort to get Dwyane Wade to verbally commit to resigning
after the season, the Heat employ the service of David Caruso, who
advises Wade that Riley will not quit on him – “We never close,” he
tells the All-Star. After Horatio is unsuccessful, Dexter Morgan is
brought in to persuade Wade to stay and things taking a tragic turn…

3. To win over his new teammates, Shaq takes it upon himself to show
everyone that he is the best bodyguard in the league. He does so by
deciding to punch out every single player on the Wizards so as to
win favor with LeBron. The resulting season-long suspension causes the
Cavs to freefall in the standings and James to leave in the
off-season. When asked why he thought his plan would work he replied,
“Delonte thought it was a good idea.”

4. At the All-Star game in Dallas, noted Batman fanatic Danny Granger
attempts to form his own Justice League of America. Granger goes far
enough to bring outfits for a variety of players (Wade as Flash,
D-Howard as Superman, LeBron as Martian Manhunter) but the plan falls
apart when his choice for Aquaman, Kevin Durant, tells Granger that
not only does he hate swimming, but he is not a Vincent Chase fan.

5. On February 26th, hell freezes over. In a related story, Pau Gasol
admits to committing a foul during a game against the Sixers.

6. During a First Round game against San Antonio, Chris Paul ends the
public lie and reveals himself to be a Model 101 version of the 800
Series Terminator designed to begin Skynet’s global dominance by
posing as the greatest point guard of all time. This reveals Skynet’s
lack of understanding of the NBA’s importance, so the next model sent
back is an American Idol contestant.

7. Hoping to lower operating costs, the Pacers move all home games to
the local Indianapolis YMCA, explaining their decision by pointing out
that the Rec Centre should still have more than enough capacity to
house the number of Pacer fans that were actually attending games at
Conseco Fieldhouse.

8. After being traded from Golden State, Stephen Jackson realizes his
destiny by reuniting with Ron Artest on the Lakers. When asked for Don
Nelson’s response to the trade, the Warriors are forced to admit to
reporters that he fell asleep during the second quarter of that
night’s game and they didn’t have the heart to wake him.

9. Sensing that the absurd wealth and appeal of a Brooklyn arena would
pose a major threat, Donnie Walsh and the Knicks step up their
recruitment of LeBron James via Coach D’Antonio wearing a James Knicks
jersey during a game on November 6th. The state’s new ad campaign becomes
“The Empire State: in Need of a King.”

10. Grant Hill retires following the season, only to announce his
campaign for congress for the midterm elections. A furious Ray Allen
states his case for being a better fit for public office, suggesting
that Connecticut is every bit the school Duke is and that he has a
championship. Write-in nominee Chris Andersen has no comment.

11. Lamar Odom brings his new best friends Spencer Pratt and Jon
Gosselin to a Lakers’ practice. This leads to Kobe sitting Odom down
privately in the equipment room at the LA practice facility and
breaking into his best Jack Bauer impression. Paparazzi capture Odom leaving the
building a bloody, weeping mess.

12. Chris Bosh does anything resembling a clutch play at some point
during the season (What, too unrealistic?).