This article has been submitted by Paul O’Neill and Matt Douglas.

Paul: I went 2-2 in the second round, incorrectly relying on some dirty Frenchmen to live up to their expectations and I should have never made my love affair with Joe Thornton public (next year, I swear to god, next year). This puts me at 8-4 over the course of the playoffs and hopefully I can put together two solid predictions in the conference finals to match my perfect record in last year’s conference finals.

Matt: Guess who went 0 for 4 in the second round? Me. I’m an idiot and that horrid run puts me at 7-5 for the playoffs so far. Hopefully this time I can get it together, I am thinking a little more clearly with my Habs out of it and I’m not hungover while I write this.

The Habs bowed out at home in 6, leaving many fans asking what the hell happened to the team from the regular season. They are young and it showed, the defense was giving up the blueline, Carey Price looked rattled and never settled down , but still there were some bright spots and next year should be good. I couldn’t help but feel bad for Colorado, as the injury bug bit them at the worst time possible and they needed all of their pieces in place to beat a strong Red Wings squad. San Jose never recovered after the first game, but provided the most exciting second round series. Finally the Penguins dominated a very skilled New York team and may have enough to take the Cup this year.

<Pittsburgh (2) vs. Philadelphia (6)
Paul: The battle of Pennsylvania is going to be a fast paced offensive juggernaut of a series. R.J. Umberger and Daniel Briere rank 2nd and 3rd in the playoffs with nine and eight goals, respectively. Malkin, Crosby and Briere are tied for second with 14 points each in the playoffs (granted Malkin and Crosby have done it in only 9 games compared to 12 for Briere). Both teams have been dynamite on the powerplay with each recording a 24.0% success rate. Pittsburgh has the advantage on the penalty kill, killing off 89.5% of the opposing team’s powerplays.

The Penguins just have too much talent for the Flyers to handle. Crosby and Malkin are arguably the two best players in the Eastern Conference. You know you’re fucked when Crosby comes 2nd to Malkin as the player you are most worried about. Hal Gill is playing like a Norris trophy winner. Well, that’s a stretch… kinda like his nuts. Hal Gill shall be called Stretch Nuts from now on. Anyways, the Penguins are young, hungry, passionate, and they have the goalie with the best save percentage left in the playoffs.

Martin Biron hasn’t been Martin Biron. I’m not going to say the Flyers don’t have a chance but I have a better chance of nailing Scarlet Johansson and Jessica Alba at the same time while watching the Leaf’s win this year’s Stanley Cup in three games.

Penguins in 5

Matt: The Flyers had a hot goalie which got them past the Canadiens. I know I am also biased, but despite Bob Cole’s biased commentary the Flyers were not keeping pace with the Habs. They were heavily outshot, outplayed and capitalized on breakdowns by the Habs. Montreal’s defense also backed in on their goalie making life even harder on Carey Price.

The Penguins ran circles around the Rangers and were in complete control the entire series. In game five I was hoping for a miracle, but it was clear that Pittsburg was going to score. I didn’t watch all of the series but from what I saw the Penguins are the real deal.

Prediction – Pens in 4 – I am going with the favorite since my upset picks murdered me last round. That and the fact that the Flyers were likely the worst team to sneak into the postseason this year and made it into the conference final by accident.

Detroit (1) vs. Dallas (5)
Paul: Jesus H. Christ, I’m a believer! This Dallas team is for real. Marty Turco is so bad. So so so so so so bad. He’s sooooo bad, the good kind of bad. The kind of bad you don’t want to bring home to your mom at Christmas, but the kind of bad she would love to get as a secret present at 3am on Mother’s Day. Turco’s performance in game 6 against the Sharks was legendary. He was able to stymie the Sharks offence the whole series.

Brenden Morrow is a prime candidate for the Conn Smythe trophy. It seemed like such a strange decision to strip Modano of his captaincy, but seeing Morrow lead this team deep into the playoffs shows justification. For Brad Richards this must feel like déjà vu, except in a different conference.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, the Detroit Red Wings are the best team in the NHL. It’s retarded to have your two best offensive forwards as your two best defensive forwards. It’s just silly. I feel like they play in some sort of parallel universe where you can have your cake and eat it too. Johan Franzen is on fire and Chris Osgood has yet to lose a game since taking over from Dominik Hasek. With Niklas Lidstrom and Niklas Kronwall on defence, it seems impossible to find a chink in Detroits armor.

However, there is something about this Dallas team. The way they play, their passion and their work ethic is second to none. The Wings have yet to be tested, facing a lowly Nashville team that took them to six games and an injury ravished Avalanche team. Dallas is on fire and playing with confidence with the hottest goalie still left in playoffs. This is going to be the best series of the two and it’s going to go the distance. Marty Turco is so bad, so bad he’s going to steal the final game in Joe Louis arena, flash the crowd, slam a beer, rail coke off a hooker and sucker punch Pavel Datsyuk in the handshake.

Stars in 7

Matt: The Red Wings made a smart decision by dumping Hasek for Osgood. Hasek is a creepy old man that will steal your soul if you look into his eyes too long. The Wings got a bit lucky facing the Avalanche when they did. The series never materialized into the bloodbath from previous years, greatly due to the key injuries and illness on Colorado’s part.

The Stars are legit and so is Marty Turco, holding his own in the only two long overtime games we’ve seen this year and winning one. The series turned out to be the most entertaining and provided some great hockey. The two teams beat each other up, but I feel the big difference was the Dallas penalty kill. The man-advantage is so much more important in the post season and the Stars have it down, with an aggressive box that collapses perfectly.

Prediction – Red Wings in 6 – I had a really hard time with this one. Dallas looks fantastic and the Wings haven’t really been tested. Still Dallas went through a war to get here and Detroit is getting a lot of secondary scoring (Johan!). Osgood never has gotten his due and is a good goalie, the Wings play a tight defensive game and I think they can stop the great offense Dallas has.

This article has been submitted by Paul O’Neill and Matt Douglas.

This article has been submitted by Matt Douglas. It’s also awesome.

This article was inspired by a conversation with Francine Long who is a girl…

A man has simple desires, to be loved, fed, entertained, we don’t want to be surprised drastically, we love routine, same shirt, same pants, same steak and potatoes. We know what we want and we do a lot in our power to keep the things we like. So let’s take a look at how women stack up in fulfilling our needs.

Round 1: Hunger
Women make the perfect kitchen accessory and are generally skilled in producing snacks and meals that keep us from dying. They are adept at using confusing instruments of heat and excel in the soft science of cooking, which relies more on feelings.

Sports feed the hunger deep within our soul to see someone humiliated in battle, also if we’re lucky they’ll be a bit bloodied. We get to let out our animalistic hunger for the hunt and the thrill of the kill.

Verdict: Tie – Food is delicious, if I’m not playing sports I’m probably eating or thinking about eating. Having food prepared for you and being waited on is awesome, but beating the hell out some kid and asserting your dominance is a rare and exciting thrill. Until robots become adept at recreating the culinary masterpieces by the fairer sex it will remain a tie.

Round 2: Entertainment
Sports can entertain us both as we play them and as we watch them. They can provide hours of entertainment and are the perfect escape from work and life’s problems. There is something special about playing an organized sport, it’s a fantastic feeling and we can stay captivated for hours.

Women entertain us… they do things that are entertaining. They dance, some can sing or play an instrument or two. They can provide someone to dominate in Scrabble or as someone to listen to our vast knowledge of sports and why we know more than people on TV. They also find it fun to talk about how Suzie X is a slut because she slept with some guy and why their friend Suzie Y isn’t even though she slept with the football team.

Verdict: Sports – We know what to expect with sports, sometimes fights break out, but they’re fun. Fights with women are not fun. They call you names and make you feel bad for wanting to hang out with your friends instead of go to Bed, Bath and Beyond and just browse things for the house you’ll one day have or pick out cute baby names or imagine what your children will look like.

Round 3: Letting Off Steam
Had a bad day at work? Go hit some dingers in the park. Go to the beer league hockey game and fight some duster. Choke back the tears and run away from your problems while catching a deep bomb in flag football.

Had a bad day at work? You can’t go hit your significant other. Women generally aren’t into physical violence and don’t enjoy fist fights. Some girls are crazy, like Rachael Marshall, and throw down against their best friends. However when the police come they probably won’t believe you that you both agreed to a boxing match.

Verdict: Sports – It looks like sports are starting to run away with it, is there anything women can do to keep from losing us? Sports are a much better outlet period. A man needs to learn to bottle up his emotions and push them deep down inside until he self-destructs, leaves his wife and three kids for a 19 year old high school dropout and drives across the country on a vintage Harley. Careful boys, women try to trick you into talking and sharing your feelings, but scientific studies show it causes testicular loss.

Round 4: Everyday Life
Sports can teach us much about teamwork, group dynamics and leadership. All of these can be applied to everyday life. Sports allow us to bond, providing a common ground to unite with our brothers and enjoy life.

Women provide us with a life coach. They are a voice of reason in our impulse based decision making. They see the big picture, like why even though you think jumping into the tank at Sea-World is the best idea ever, there is another side to the coin, where it is filled with sharks, you can’t swim and you cry when seaweed touches your foot at the beach.

Verdict: Women – Chalk it up, the first big win for women. Men oddly can run a country, but are barely capable of bathing. Women will hopefully always be there for us, telling us not to wear that, don’t put that in your mouth, put that down, pick that up, you have to shave, you have to bathe at least once this week. I could go on and on. Thanks women!

Round 5: Sex
Sports do you even have a chance? Yes of course, we will always give you the benefit of the doubt. A sport has lots of ass slapping and hugging. It makes you feel like the man and you can brag about your “performance” to anyone that will listen. You’re often naked in sports and if you’re good at sports it can help you in your pursuit of women.

Women let us sometimes have sex. It’s fun, it’s entertaining and we feel great doing it. Women don’t stink like sports do, even though their perfume usually smells like burning tires and children’s tears and were likely used to torture hundreds of monkeys, dogs, cats and zebras.

Verdict: Women (barely) – Honestly the only thing that hurts women is the cuddling. What’s with women and feelings, they bring them everywhere, while we check them at the door to the sporting arena. Big advantage for sports is it’s totally cool with inviting another sport to join in, you can easily have a wicked threesome of soccer baseball and no one gets jealous.

Round 6: Social Standing
Sports can do wonders for your social standing. Everyone loves the guy who is good at sports, women and men both. It’s slightly cooler to play sports than to be really good at Halo 3, even though women think both are really hot.

Women can make other guys jealous, especially if she’s super hot and loves hitting bongs and drinking beers. A hot girlfriend or wife makes everyone jealous, you just have to make sure that everyone thinks that she doesn’t even care about feelings and they don’t find out she’s calling the shots.

Verdict: Sports – Women are cool, sports are cooler.

Round 7: Love
Women are pretty nice to us generally. They hug us and tell us we are the greatest, hottest, sexiest man alive that could be firefighting astronaut doctors if we really wanted to, but it’s obvious we’d rather relax. They do this despite the fact that many of us are incapable of rudimentary life skills such as reading, feeding ourselves and organizing anything other than a fantasy hockey pool.

Sports also provide that amazing loving feeling. You share love in ass slaps and high fives. Every man has felt love when his favorite team closed out a seven game series, came back from a huge deficit or won the big one. The defeats are equally as heartbreaking.

Verdict: Sports – It wasn’t easy picking sports, but we know what to expect from them. They don’t send mixed signals, they have rules, they help us maintain routine and don’t require much thought. They can hurt us, but we recover from it, knowing there will be another shot. They expect so much more than simple devotion, they need to play games, trick you, sleep around and generally do anything to piss you off because they think it will make you love them more. Sports wouldn’t do that, sports love you even if you play baseball and basketball in the same day.

Seven rounds, that’s it? Yea that’s it. We had some good times, learned a little and hopefully this clears up why a man will turn down a romantic evening of ballroom dancing, living room redecorating and wine tasting to watch any sporting event, from beetle races to the Stanley Cup finals. Sports rule, girls drool, na na na na naaaaaa!

This article has been submitted by Matt Douglas.

This article has been submitted by Matt “The Snuggler” Douglas.

My predictions worked out pretty well, I’ve posted a 7-1 record in the first round of the playoffs and thereby giving myself some street cred. I messed up the Dallas series along with every other person outside of the Texas border. The Sens royally screwed up and disappointed their fans, not even winning a game and providing the worst, least exciting series of the playoffs. I’ve thrown together a much shorter rundown of my predictions for the second round. The second round of the playoffs looks great and every series should be enjoyable, even if your team isn’t in it.

Montreal vs Philadelphia
Another series for Montreal and another team they beat up on in the regular season, posting a perfect 4-0 record and outscoring the Flyers, 16-5. The Montreal PP was stifled by a tight checking Boston team and Philly should pose similar problems. The series will be closer than the regular season would indicate and Montreal really needs to be careful avoiding penalties as Philly has one of the best power plays in the league.
Prediction: Montreal in 6

Pittsburg vs New York
This is going to be a great series. The Rangers took the season series by two games (5-3) but neither team is going to completely dominate. The Pens have an amazing offense which will be in a showdown with one of the league’s best goalies. Sean Avery is a playoff performer, but you know he secretly hates himself and it might catch up with him this series. Most people have the Pens gliding to the finals but they’ve had a huge layoff and the Sens didn’t provide a tune-up for the second round. Both teams are physical and can put the puck in the net. I think it will come down to goaltending and the Rangers have the edge.
Prediction: Rangers in 7

Detroit vs Colorado
This is an interesting series and gives Colorado a chance to prove their play in the end of the season. Hasek is out and it’s honestly a good thing for Detroit. He’s too old, I think they need to call up Jimmy Howard to work the door because it might weigh too much for the geriatric. Both had tough series, surprisingly for the Red Wings who, for the second year in a row, were taken to 6 games by Nashville. Detroit is a great team and if Osgood is on they could go all the way. This one is going to be a battle, but I have a bias to the man who hangs on the wall of 231 Barrie St. (Jose Theodore, donning a Propecia jersey in a Gatorade cut-out).
Prediction: Avalanche in 6

San Jose vs Dallas
This series is really the wild card. San Jose seems to struggle in the second round and Dallas is finding their game at the right time. After a physical series, the Sharks are going into it with a Dallas team that plays more of a skill game. This could end up being a positive for the Sharks – I think if they were facing the Ducks they’d be in serious trouble. Dallas has the ability to beat them, however, Turco has to finally prove he can play more than one round at the top of his game. This series will be different for the Stars and a huge struggle as the Ducks really couldn’t get anything together and didn’t seem to care much after last year’s Cup win. The series with the most intrique will provide some good hockey and it’s up in the air who will come out on top. That being said, whoever it is, I think it will be over fairly quickly.
Prediction: Sharks in 5

This article has been submitted by Matt “The Snuggler” Douglas.

This article has been submitted by the debuting Matt Douglas. He even took the time to format everything in a pretty way, but this is WordPress, not MS Word 3027. Sorry Matt. To everyone else, yes this is very long but it’s also some sick work, so check it out.

Eastern Conference
Canadiens (1st) vs Bruins (8th) – Season Series, Montreal 8-0
MONTREAL
Season Record 47-25-10 PTS 104 GF 262* GA222
Leading forwrad scorer: Alexi Kovalev 84PTS
Leading defense scorer: Mark Streit 62PTS
Leader +/-: Alexi Kovalev +18

Key Player: Alexi Kovalev and Carey Price – Kovalev is a decent performer in the playoffs and he has the ability to carry a team. He’s having a great year and if he can keep this young group together when their backs are against the wall they could take the cup. Price has been nothing short of phenomenal in every pressure situation he’s been in since the World Juniors. I strongly believe goaltending is the most important position in the playoffs and he showed he has the stuff.

Ugliest Player: Honestly it wasn’t easy for me this year, perennial whipping boy Sheldon Souray is gone (thank Sweet Baby Jesus) so I have to go to Patrice Breeze-By, or is it -bois? Whatever,as I was growing up I watched him, He always scared the hell out of me when he was on the ice (and every other Habs fan). He’s a serviceable D-man and he’s in a limited role but I’ve been conditioned not to trust him.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Christopher Higgins – Don’t get me wrong he’s a great player, but I get the feeling if he gets shut down early in the playoffs he won’t find his touch for the rest of it. It’s hard to judge these guys since most are so young, but I think he’s the least mentally tough of the core guys.

Secret Weapon: Michael Ryder – most people would put him as the ugliest player or the most likely to shit the bed, I know he’s prone to slumps… really fucking prone, but he’s been quietly putting up decent numbers and he can still score (14 goals in a very limited role). He gives them scoring depth on the third line that many teams just don’t have and can be put on the first or second line in an emergency.

Strengths: Great puck moving team with lots of speed and legitimate scoring depth through the roster. The defense has seen a lot of different faces but it provides a wealth of serviceable talent.

Weaknesses: Their penalty kill hasn’t been horrible but it’s simply average. Their youth could really hurt them as so few have any playoff experience at all, Depending on how they deal with adversity, they could be looking at an early exit.

Boston
Season Record 41-29-12 PTS 94 GF212 GA222
Leading forwrad scorer: Marc Savard 78PTS
Leading defense scorer: Zdeno Chara 51PTS
Leader +/-: Zdeno Chara +14

Key Player: Zdeno Chara and the return of Marc Savard – Chara is facing the league’s most potent offense. The Bruins are a good defensive team, but Chara in particular will have to do something miraculous to get the Bruins past the Habs. Marc Savard is set to practice this week but who knows what that means. They need him desperately as goals have been hard to come by this year in Bean-town.

Ugliest Player: Tim Thomas – Poor guy, someone buy him a new helmet and a time-machine so he can go to a goaltending school. He flops around and does whatever the hell he can to keep the puck out. When it works, it works well, but if he’s off the flood gates are open. I couldn’t tell you how many Boston games were blowouts because he couldn’t even stop a shot coming from behind the goal line.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Tim Thomas for points mentioned above, but you can’t really blame it all on him. He has a slow team that will probably hang him out to dry. I should probably just give this to all of the Bruins.

Secret Weapon: Tuuka Rask – you heard it hear first, he could be the man the Bruins ride to the finals. Well maybe not but fuck it who else am I supposed to put in here, Peter Schaefer? Seriously though, David Krejci is filling in for Marc Savard right now and he’s done quite well for himself and next year he’ll be a good late round fantasy player (ooh secrets).

Strengths: They play a solid defensive system under Claude Julien and have fought hard through the season to get into the playoffs.

Weaknesses: Scoring has been hard to come by and team speed has really hurt them. Too many times I’ve seen them losing one on one’s and footraces to open pucks.

Prediction: Canadiens in 5 – The Bruins barely have a chance, the Habs are too much and key injuries to their two best forwards have pretty much sealed their fate. Those who say Price has no playoff experience and can’t be counted on should look to the other end of the ice. Timmy hasn’t been there either. The depth on Montreal hurts Boston as they don’t have four lines that can play up to Montreal’s tempo and are bound to take penalties.

Penguins (2nd*) vs Senators (7th) – Season Series, Ottawa 3-1
OTTAWA
Season Record 43-31-8 PTS94 GF261 GA247
Leading forward scorer: Jason Spezza 92PTS
Leading defense scorer: Wade Redden 38PTS
Leader +/-: Dany Heatley +33

Key Player: Jason Spezza – He needs to be a monster this playoffs, with no Alfie the Sens need him to step up in a big way.

Ugliest Player: Chris Neil – He is an ugly mother fucker. He does fight, which I like, but he’s just so god damn annoying. Every time he scores you would think he just scored the GWG in game 7 of the Stanley Cup final… I guess he just pretends because he knows it will never happen.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Martin Gerber – He choked in the playoffs before and everyone knows once you break a goalie he never returns to old form. The history of goalies dying in Ottawa is long, the most infamous being Patrick Lalime (who gave them every chance to win that series), so look for Gerber to go down in flames.

Secret Weapon: Corey Stillman – If they can pull this series off I’m willing to bet Stillman rips it up. He’s a fantastically underrated player and had a good season. He’s one of the few Sens I actually like, but only because he used to play with Ray Whitney.

Strengths: Gifted offensively and if healthy they have probably the best first line in the league. Dany Heatley is faster than most Danny’s since he dropped the unneeded “n”.

Weaknesses:
They’re the Sens in the playoffs, what more do you need? They can’t understand half the shit that is coming out of the old man that is rambling behind them and oh, also, Gerber is their starting goalie… who even cheers for them?

PENGUINS
Season Record 47-27-8 PTS102 GF247 GA216
Leading forward scorer: Evgeni Malkin 106PTS
Leading defense scorer: Sergei Gonchar 65PTS
Leader +/-: Sidney Crosby +18

Key Player: Sidney Crosby – He’s been keeping a low profile since the ankle sprain and I hope the Kid is playing at full strength. The Pens are going to need him lighting the lamp if they want to go far in the playoffs.

Ugliest Player: Hal Gill – Well he’s really big and he’s, um, really big? I’ve had many arguments about this guy, I just don’t think a big D-man that can’t really skate and has the agility of an elephant is all that useful. Whateva…

Player most likely to shit the bed: Marc-Andre Fluery – He’s been pretty good, hasn’t had the best defensive help. Still it just seems like he is forever doomed to fall short of expectations.

Secret Weapon: They have no secrets, TSN is in love with them.

Strengths: They have a dirty offense with young creative players and a few old timers that can still mix it up. There is no doubt they have a few players that play a physical game and have been hot lately.

Weaknesses: Their defense is suspect at best, Hal Gill is an overrated defenseman who people like because he is big, and he can’t skate. He’s a turnstile. Their goaltending is a definite question mark for me as well as Marian Hossa, who never has performed well in the playoffs.

Prediction: Pens in 6 – I have to have the Pens taking this one fairly easily. With a high powered offense and a depleted Ottawa squad the odds are in their favor, though the Sens will still put up a decent fight.

Capitals (3rd*) vs Flyers (6th) – Season Series, Tie, 2-2
WASHINGTON
Season Record 43-31-8 PTS94 GF242 GA231
Leading forwrad scorer: Alexander Ovechkin 112PTS
Leading defense scorer: Mike Green 56PTS
Leader +/-: Tie – Victor Kozlov, Alexander Ovechkin, +28

Key Player: Cristobal Huet and Olaf Kolzig – I know the name that springs to mind is Ovechkin, but we know he’ll perform. The Capitals need to keep up the strong goaltending play which has really helped them sneak into the playoffs.

Ugliest Player: Donald Brashear – I wouldn’t say it to his face, but this guy is there to fight, plain and simple. He’s a role guy and it’s unfair but I barely know anyone on the Caps enough to call them ugly.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Cristobal Huet – He’s done it before and Montreal fans (and management) know he just might do it again. Despite having a stellar regular season campaign since the All-Star break he has his playoff skeptics.

Secret Weapon: Brooks Laich – Not exactly a household name, but he’s put together a decent season with 21 goals and 37 points. He really started the season strong and has trailed off a bit. Still, I think if he can put together a good playoff it will take some pressure off of Ovechkin and give the Caps a shot to go deep in the playoffs.

Strengths: A quick young team with the best left winger in the game and arguably the most talented individual to strap on skates. They’ve been playing great of late and are coming into the playoffs with loads of confidence. Surprisingly their defense has been pretty good this year and could help them out.

Weaknesses: Youth blah blah blah. Goaltending is a bit of a question as no one knows how Huet will respond and Kolzig has lost a bit of his game. The depth on offense is in question, if they lose Ovechkin they better start picking out a golf course.

PHILADELPHIA
Season Record 43-31-8 PTS94 GF261 GA247
Leading forwrad scorer: Mike Richards 75PTS
Leading defense scorer: Kimmo Timonen 44PTS
Leader +/-: Braydon Coburn +17

Key Player: Mike Richards – He’s looked good since coming back from a torn hamstring and the Flyers will be looking towards him even more since Daniel Briere has a question mark surrounding his health. He’s had a breakout season and leads a Flyers team that has had no trouble putting the puck in the net.

Ugliest Player: Derian Hatcher – Jesus Christ, retire already! He is so god damn slow it’s unreal. You think they’d get the picture after the brutal season they had last year but no, he’s still on the roster. The only thing Philly fans can hope for is his injury lingers, keeping him to limited ice, in turn limiting the two on ones he creates.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Scott Hartnell – He’s having a decent season, but he’s not much in the playoffs traditionally. This billing for him is a little weak as we all know Hatcher is the true duster. I’m putting him in here to motivate him.

Secret Weapon: Randy Jones – He’s had a great year if you ask me and he gives them a third option on a defense squad that hasn’t had much of a problem putting up points. Plus, when the Capitals start running away with the series he can run Ovechkin from behind.

Strength: Offensively they’re a gifted squad with a good mix of veterans and youth. They have a great PP and Biron has been playing good hockey lately, finishing the season strong despite the team around him.

Weakness: They’re playing horrible hockey and their defensive game leaves a lot to be desired, with the second worst GA of playoff teams. I really question the heart of the Flyers after playing one of the worst games I’ve ever seen against the Penguins. They needed to win that game if you ask me, and the Pens did everything they could to give it to them, even then it was a struggle…

Prediction: Flyers in 7 – If I was a Flyers fan I’d be scared. The Caps are red hot after squeaking into the playoffs, with the Flyers playing the worst hockey of all playoff teams. That being said, neither team dominated the other in the regular season so it really could go either way. I’m going to give it to the Flyers based on the mix of vets and kids, plus Huet broke my heart two years ago… I can’t forgive him.

Devils (4th) vs Rangers (5th) – Season Series, New York 7-1
NEW JERSEY
Season Record 46-29-7 PTS99 GF206 GA197
Leading forward scorer: Zack Parise 65PTS
Leading defense scorer: Paul Martin 32PTS
Leader +/-: John Oduya +27

Key Player: Zach Parise – Not a secret, but most fringe fans have no idea what he’s done. This young gun is the most talented offensive player on the Devils and should put up decent numbers.

Ugliest Player: Jay Pandolfo – This is no insult, he’s a hard working guy that flies under the radar. He finds a way to get shit done and even finds the net. Gotta love Jay.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Patrick Elias – Man no one has been more disappointing this year. He needs to pick it up, but he won’t. No one likes him and an unconfirmed source says he tries to date teenagers.

Secret Weapon: John Oduya – He stepped up when the Devils lost bodies on the backend and now is logging over 20 minutes a game. He leads the team in plus/minus, has 26 points and has been a pleasant surprise.

Strengths: They play the trap and they play it well. It’s tough for teams to get much going through the neutral zone and they have arguably the best goalie of all time.

Weaknesses: An anemic offense and streaky forwards led by Patrick Elias have hindered the Devils squad. If they can’t get those guys going it’s an early exit.

NEW YORK
Season Record 42-27-13 PTS97 GF213 GA199
Leading forward scorer: Jaromir Jagr 71PTS
Leading defense scorer: Michal Rozsival 38PTS
Leader +/-: Nigel Dawes +11

Key Player: Henrik Lundqvist – He’s a great goaltender and with some experience this year he should do well. The Rangers need a strong outing from him and I would look for him to deliver.

Ugliest Player: Ryan Hollweg – He’s a plug and not much of a looker for the ladies. With a minus-12 and a head filled with bricks, he won’t see much time.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Jaromir Jagr – He’s had a bad season by his standards and I see no reason why he’ll suddenly play the inspired hockey we saw last year. He won’t be terrible but he should be a hell of a lot better.

Secret Weapon: Scott Gomez – He put up 70 points this year and wants to prove to his old team they should have ponied up and paid him. He’ll have a big series fo sho.

Strengths: Very strong defensive team that has a great goaltender on top of it. They match up very evenly with the Devils in defensive play.

Weaknesses: Their offense hasn’t been what it should be and they’ve had trouble filling the net all year. Compound that with one of the best goalies of all time and they’re in for trouble.

Prediction: Rangers in 7 – These two teams have a long history and you know this rivalary is going to produce one of the best series of the entire playoffs. The Rangers have had the Devils’ number this year, but Marty is going to be up for this one and will force a game 7.

Western Conference
Red Wings (1st*) vs Predators (8th) – Season Series, Detroit 5-3
DETROIT
Season Record 54-21-7 PTS115 GF257 GA184
Leading forward scorer: Pavel Datsyuk 97PTS
Leading defense scorer: Nicklas Lidstrom 70PTS
Leader +/-: Pavel Datsyuk +41 *shocked face*

Key Player: Tomas Holmstrom – He’s been struggling with injuries this year, but their PP specialist is needed to get them through this series. He provides grit to their team with a scoring touch, a real heart player that every team needs.

Ugliest Player: Kris Draper – Seriously Kris? Spell you name like a human. You must have had nude photos of Wayne Gretzky’s wife in bondage wearing a Nazi uniform to get on Team Canada.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Dominik Hasek – I hate you.

Secret Weapon: Jiri Hudler!!!!!!! Damn straight, he’s pimp-tight.

Strengths: They have great a great offense and their best two forwards, Datsyuk and Zetterberg, also play on the PK. They’re balanced play gives the Wings confidence in all situations and makes them dangerous even with a man down. They also have Lidstrom AND Rafalski, drool.

Weaknesses: Their goalies are old and their play has slipped a bit. They rested them for the most part, but will they really split games in the playoffs? They might be enough to get them through the first round but Hasek might need a new hip at the end of the series.

NASHVILLE
Season Record 41-32-9 PTS91 GF230 GA229
Leading forwrad scorer: Jason Arnott 72PTS
Leading defense scorer: Marek Zidlicky 43PTS
Leader +/-: Jason Arnott +19

Key Player: Dan Ellis – He stood on his head for their late playoff push, losing over 10 pounds in the process. Goalies can change a team’s fortunes and if he keeps this going who knows what could happen.

Ugliest Player: Jason Arnott – He can barely skate but somehow he is having a career year. All the power to him, but I’ll show my kids videos of his skating technique.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Radek Bonk – He’s been horrible defensively, which is odd considering he was in a defensive role for the Habs last year. He’s minus-31 and could royally screw over the Preds hopes of an upset.

Secret Weapon: J.P Dumont – Not much of a secret, but in reality the Preds get so little press anyone could be. I like him, he takes care of business and is going to be a difference maker.

Strengths: Underrated team with a good offensive defense. Their goalie is lights out right now and they’re going to ride him until he weighs 100 pounds.

Weaknesses: The depth on this team is severely lacking and will haunt them in the end. They don’t have the offense to keep up with a healthy Red Wings squad.

Prediction: Detroit in 5 – Despite every attempt by the owners to make Nashville bad (and move them out of the state) they still made it into the playoffs. The team has tremendous heart and should steal a game. Detroit gets by, but the series will take its toll on the old men in net and they won’t get much further.

Sharks (2rd*) vs Flames (7th) – Season Series, Flames 3-1 (2 in OT)
SAN JOSE
Season Record 49-23-10 PTS108 GF222 GA193
Leading forwrad scorer: Joe Thornton 92PTS
Leading defense scorer: Brian Campbell 62PTS
Leader +/-: Doug Murray +20

Key Player: Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau – They desperately need both of these guys fired up and performing. From what we’ve seen lately it’s a good possibility they will. Marleau had a horrible start but he’s been great the last month and a half and Joe is looking for someone to kick the shit out of since Steve Ott ran away from him. Seriously Steve, if you play that game, back it up.

Ugliest Player: Sandis Ozolinsh – Yea he’s still around and he’s been racking up minus’ on one of the stingiest defenses in hockey. I don’t know if anyone has ever idolized this guy, I’ve never liked him, I don’t know why, this is out of spite.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Joe Thornton or Patrick Marleau – Every time playoffs role around one of the two does a disappearing act. As I said before they both need to be on their games, but if history tells you anything, they won’t.

Secret Weapon: Joe Pavelski – Maybe not a big secret, especially to those who follow the Sharks (believe me, Calgary knows about him). Still, he gets little press but is a big key to their secondary scoring.

Strengths: They have one of the hottest goalies in the league and their top lines are clicking at just the right time. They’re a great defensive team that has added some grit this year with a meathead in Jody Shelly and J.R., plus Joe is ready to go this time around.

Weaknesses: They seem to balk in the playoffs when coming in strong. Mentally, they’re not the greatest; Joe loves to disappear in the playoffs.

CALGARY
Season Record 42-30-10 PTS94 GF229 GA227
Leading forwrad scorer: Jarome Iginla 98PTS
Leading defense scorer: Dion Phaneuf 60PTS
Leader +/-: Jarome Iginla +27

Key Player: Miikka Kiprusoff – Who will show up this time in the playoffs? He’s been bad as far as his standards go and if he doesn’t get his act together the Sharks will take this series. He can play, so I’m hoping that my future hometown’s goalie can pick it up and I might just catch a game.

Ugliest Player: Curtis Joseph – After his little “vacation” he’s back and even older. He hasn’t been horrible but no Flames fan is hoping Kipper goes down even for a period. Joseph hasn’t played all that bad in his five games, but he still looks like a sexual predator. If I had kids I wouldn’t let him sign an autograph if he paid me… and he might just try. I’m kidding, he was great but I hate to see a guy that had his skill hurting his reputation.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Mike Keenan – He broke one of their best young wingers, Kristian Huselius, who after starting the season on fire has been sub-par, with just 10 points through March and April. He’s always been a turkey and could be the reason the Flames lose this series.

Secret Weapon: Adrian Aucoin – He’s happy in Calgary, not much pressure on him to be the man. He’s quietly put up 35 points and a plus-13. He gives Calgary great depth on the backend and could be a major difference shutting down the Sharks secondary scoring.

Strengths: Great depth on defense gives them a ton of options in match ups and will give Ron Wilson headaches. The defensive play hasn’t been amazing this year, but their ability to grind out games will be a difference maker.

Weaknesses: An offense that struggles with consistency could be the deciding factor. Unless they’re finding the net the next two weeks it will be an early exit. Tanguay needs to pick up his game to pre-All-Star break numbers and Keenan needs to lay off Huselius. Seriously Mike, he’s a poor little Swedish boy that needs hugs not hate.

Prediction: Sharks in 7 – The Sharks are too good and Mike Keenan is intent of destroying Huselius for the second time in his career. Seriously, I blame Mike as the Flames had a great chance. Too bad they’re facing the hottest goalie in the league with limited offense. Sorry Wetts and Foo, not this year.

Wild (3rd*) vs Avalanche (6th) – Season Series, Wild 5-3
MINNESOTA
Season Record 44-28-10 PTS98 GF223 GA218
Leading forward scorer: Marian Gaborik 83PTS
Leading defense scorer: Brent Burns 43PTS
Leader +/-: Marian Gaborik +17

Key Player: Todd Fedoruk, Eric Bougard and Chris Simon – Say whaaa? That’s right, the Wild need to punish the Avs if they want to win this series. As long as they have them playing scared they will win this series.

Ugliest Player: Chris Simon – He’s a meathead and not afraid to show it. He’ll probably be trying to be on good behavior but if he is he’ll get benched. The only reason he is around is to cross-check people in the face.

Secret Weapon: Pierre-Marc Bouchard – I’ve always liked the kid, he puts up decent points and can be counted on night in and night out.

Strengths:. They play a wicked trap system which greatly benefits their goalies. The emphasis on defense is balanced by talented forwards. Marian Gaborik leads the charge despite having a girl’s name and a mushy groin. They’ve had the Avs number in the playoffs, winning 4 straight against them until last week’s OT loss.

Weaknesses: Backstrom hasn’t been all that great lately and I don’t know if he’s the man for the job. Even with great defensive support he hasn’t come through. The team can’t afford to lose Gaborik or Brian Rolston as their offense almost completely relies on them.

AVALANCHE
Season Record 44-31-7 PTS95 GF231 GA219
Leading forwrad scorer: Paul Statsny 71PTS
Leading defense scorer: John-Michael Liles 37PTS
Leader +/-: Paul Statsny +22

Key Player: Jose Theodore – This run rests on him, he has the skills and as an ex-Hab I’m rooting for him. However, he lost all confidence and it’s rare for any goaltender to come back from that but then again, he was a special talent.

Ugliest Player: Adam Foote – He always got too much press for being an average player. He’s an ok defenseman but seriously, he was never the missing piece.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Milan Hejduk – No one has been streakier than this guy and I can see him melting into the background in the playoffs is Forsberg goes down.

Secret Weapon: Marek Svatos.

Strengths: They have a blend of youth and veterans that few teams can match. The offense has been clicking with Forsberg back in the lineup and he helped find some of Hejduk’s old magic. Plus Joe Sakic is the man.

Weaknesses: Their defense isn’t the greatest and their offense has been hot and cold. Between the pipes, Theodore is having a resurgent season, but can anyone really trust a goalie that has been broken?

Prediction: Avs in 6 – This will be one of the best series of the first round. The Avs are just too much for the Wild and will take it in six.

Ducks (4th) vs Stars (5th) – Season Series, Dallas 5-3
ANAHEIM
Season Record 47-27-8 PTS102 GF205 GA191
Leading forwrad scorer: Ryan Getzlaf 82PTS
Leading defense scorer: Chris Pronger 43PTS
Leader +/-: Ryan Getzlaf +32

Key Player: Chris Pronger – The defense is stacked on this team and is going to make life hell for any team they play. Pronger and his tiny size six skates are going to be counted on to stomp the shit out of anyone that dares to enter their zone. Little Mikey R. doesn’t stand a chance.

Ugliest Player: Marc-Andre Bergeron – I know he’s offensively gifted, but maybe he should have tried forward. Honestly, the main role of the defenseman is keeping the other team from scoring. In an increasingly limited role he’s minus-16 and should only ever be used on the PP.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Chris Pronger – Odds are Chris is going to lose his mind after watching Happy Gilmour the night before, take off his skate and try and stab Steve Ott. Luckily Ott is adept at avoiding any situation that might result in him fighting anyone bigger than Martin St. Louis.

Secret Weapon: Todd Bertuzzi – Love him or hate him he’s having a decent year. The move has done wonders for Todd, resting in the sun and not even thinking about being sued for millions. He’s put up 40 points this year and could be a big factor on the offensive end of the ice, getting great matchups against a depleted Dallas blueline.

Strength: Physical team with a defense that makes every other coach drool and cry. The team has great leadership and experience that can do wonders in the playoffs when hard times hit. Great goaltending rounds out this team.

Weakness: Putting the puck in the net has been a struggle. Other than Getzlaf, no one has really stepped up. With the team facing a solid goaltender in Marty Turco, that could be a serious problem.

DALLAS
Season Record 45-30-7 PTS97 GF242 GA207
Leading forwrad scorer: Mike Ribeiro 83PTS
Leading defense scorer: Sergei Zubov 35PTS (only 46 games!)
Leader +/-: Brenden Morrow +23

Key Player: Marty Turco – He is almost every year and always seems like he’s right on the cusp of becoming one of the greats. Still, he falls short, it seems, in everything from the NHL playoffs to any appearance with Team Canada. If he can get it together this year, and he needs to fast, the Stars can make a push for the Cup.

Ugliest Player: Brad Richards – Maybe the money got to him, but the guy just hasn’t been able to get his act together this year. Supposedly a gifted defensive center than can put the puck in the net, he’s minus-27 and hasn’t clicked with the other Dallas players.

Player most likely to shit the bed: Mike Ribeiro – seriously, as a Habs fan I can’t watch him have a great season and not expect him to disappear in the playoffs. He’s never lived up to his billing and this is all an act. He also can’t get over the flu so what the hell is he going to do when Chris Pronger tries to curb stomp him?

Secret Weapon: Niklas Hagman – Despite his team generally sucking around him, Hagman has been putting up great numbers down the stretch. They need him to keep it going if they want a chance to get past the Ducks.

Strength: Good goaltending and a surprisingly talented offensive team could cause problems for those they face.

Weakness: Undersized to deal with a truly physical team, if they let the series drag on their little bodies won’t be able to take it. They miss the defensive presence Zubov adds, and are a completely different team without him. Also, the common flu, which has sidelined their top scorer. Ribs needs to start taking his vitamin C pills…

Prediction: Ducks in 5 – Dallas has been downright horrible. Their big trade didn’t work out and they’re missing their best defenseman. The Ducks shouldn’t have too much of a problem with them and I think you’re in for a boring defensive series. Luckily it should be over quickly.

Prediction for the Final
Cup Final Prediction – Montreal Canadians over Anaheim Ducks in 5
I had to take them, but I think they have a great shot. The Habs have guys that can score on every line, a great group of defenders and puck movement that few teams can deal with. Carey Price is going to be outstanding and goalies can make all the difference in the world. Once they get in a shooter’s head they can control the series. He’s proven he can do it and I see no reason why he can’t again. Rob Hanson knows this is going to happen, every true Habs fan can feel it.

This article has been submitted by the debuting Matt Douglas. He even took the time to format everything in a pretty way, but this is WordPress, not MS Word 3027. Sorry Matt.