The On Deck Circle

Before I live blogged the Jays’ season opener the other day, I seriously considered getting absolutely plastered while I did it. A backpack full of school work and an annoying conscience got the better of me and I decided not to. I did, however, create three drinking games in my head that made the live blog notes. With baseball season officially underway and the nice weather just around the corner (unless you live in Kingston, where it is perpetually grey), I figured I should delve into the baseball drinking game idea more, for a few reasons.

For one, there is no better tag team than drinking and baseball. I’d rank them just ahead of the Legion of Doom and the steak and blow job combination.

Second, a lot of people criticize baseball for being too slow or boring. These people are idiots, yes, but the ODC tailors to people of all annoying frames of mind. For these people, especially the ladies (you know who you are), these drinking games can help you learn the intricate details of the game…and then immediately forget them.

Finally, I have all of May off and will probably be exploring unique ways to get mangled. Here are 10 baseball related drinking games…warning, they are equal parts excessive and tempting.

The Pace of the Game
Recommended drink: Beer, but you’ll need shots, too
Plays involved: Innings, home runs
Details: Drink one beer per inning and take a shot for any home run hit. This is simple, easy to enjoy, and will get you pretty messed up. Keep in mind, that’s nine beers and a shot or two in under three hours.
Expected consumption: 9 beers, 2.5 shots

Total Bases
Recommended drink: Beer or mix drink
Plays involved: Singles, doubles, triples, home runs
Details: Pretty simple, one drink for every ‘total base’ your chosen team scored. One drink for a single, two for a double, three for a triple, four for a home run. You can even get gutsy and throw in walks and stolen bases and count those as bases, too.
Expected consumption: 10 drinks

The Home Team
Recommended drink: Depends on the team, game, pitcher, etc
Plays involved: Strikeout, runs, home runs
Details: Choose a team and drink every time their pitcher notches a K or any time they score a run. Double shots for a home run. It will work best if you choose opposing teams with a friend or are live at the game with booze you snuck in.
Expected consumption: Could go any direction, 5-12 drinks

The Halladay
Recommended drink: Liquor
Plays involved: Ground ball outs
Details: If two or more of the outs in an inning are ground ball outs, take a drink. It’s boring and may require too much attention, but it has the added bonus of ground ball dominated games moving a little quicker, in theory. This is great in a platoon with the next one.
Expected consumption: 8 drinks

The Nolan Ryan Express
Recommended drink: Liquor
Plays involved: Strikeouts
Details: The polar opposite of The Halladay and its platoon partner, you just take a drink for every strikeout pitched by either team. Obviously, you’ll only want to do this with a strikeout-heavy pitching duel. Best of both worlds? Combine this with The Halladay and pray for fly outs.
Expected consumption: 12 drinks

The Kenny Rogers
Recommended drink: Beer
Plays involved: Hits, outs
Details: Also known as The Gambler, you and a friend bet ‘hit’ or ‘out’ for every batter, loser takes a drink. You have the option to agree but don’t be a pussy. There is the extra element of having whoever is behind at the point of refill being responsible for getting the next round. Works best in a 7-game series over the course of a season…Stu and Alex, I’m looking at you two.
Expected consumption: Depends on the level of agreement but hey, there are at least 51 outs in a game, so this one has potential

The Toronto Blue Jay
Recommended drink: Beer
Plays involved: Only bad ones
Details: Take one drink for every runner left on base, double the number if the runner was in scoring position. This isn’t exclusive to the last out of an inning, either.
Expected consumption: If you’re a Jays fan, 15 or so, otherwise 10-12

The Crotch Grab
Recommended drink: Beer if your eyes are good, liquor if not
Plays involved: Crotch grab, nose pick, ass slap, etc
Details: Take a drink any time you notice a player do a typical baseball thing, like grabbing his crotch, slapping a teammate’s ass, picking his nose, spitting on his hands, etc. If you’re really thirsty, include tobacco spitting and readjusting the batting gloves. If you’re dying of thirst or trying to forget an ex, take a drink every time Eric Hinske swears.
Expected consumption: Entirely dependent on your eyes and diminishing sobriety

The ‘Black’ Out
Recommended drink: Moonshine
Plays involved: Announcers
Details: Take a drink every time Pat Tabbler, Rod Black, or Jamie Campbell say something stupid/obvious/clichéd/downright wrong during a Jays broadcast. This will probably work for other teams, too. Seriously, I can’t imagine how drunk you’d get from this. Big ups to Stoeten from Drunk Jays Fans for that one, though he argues that baseball fans should lack the restraint required for drinking games.
Expected consumption: You’ll lose count in the opening video package

The Ultimate Boxscore
Recommended drink: Keg
Plays involved: All of them
Details: Best done with a group of people really looking to get mangled. For example, I may demand we do this for my birthday as a pre drink. Take a look at any MLB box score…study it hard, learn everything…because you’re drinking for almost all of it. Strikeout, run scored, home run, error, stolen base, extra base hit, diving catch, strikeout with men left on base…seriously, anything you can think of, you’re drinking. You’re only safe with a dual perfect game, and even that notches you a keg stand. Anything but a ground ball out and fly out make you take a drink, a lot of plays are double drinks, and a grand slam would require you to finish your drink.
Singles: Single, double, triple, walk, caught stealing , strikeout, sacrifice, run
Doubles: Double play, stolen base, error, diving catch, hit by pitch, home run
Finish: Grand slam, balk, game over
Expected consumption: Until fatigue/death

Enjoy folks and please, remember what happens when you drink irresponsibly:
After 6 drinks
After 9 drinks
After 12 drinks
After 24 drinks

What are your favorites? Anything I missed?