The On Deck Circle

This article has been submitted by Matt Douglas. It’s also awesome.

This article was inspired by a conversation with Francine Long who is a girl…

A man has simple desires, to be loved, fed, entertained, we don’t want to be surprised drastically, we love routine, same shirt, same pants, same steak and potatoes. We know what we want and we do a lot in our power to keep the things we like. So let’s take a look at how women stack up in fulfilling our needs.

Round 1: Hunger
Women make the perfect kitchen accessory and are generally skilled in producing snacks and meals that keep us from dying. They are adept at using confusing instruments of heat and excel in the soft science of cooking, which relies more on feelings.

Sports feed the hunger deep within our soul to see someone humiliated in battle, also if we’re lucky they’ll be a bit bloodied. We get to let out our animalistic hunger for the hunt and the thrill of the kill.

Verdict: Tie - Food is delicious, if I’m not playing sports I’m probably eating or thinking about eating. Having food prepared for you and being waited on is awesome, but beating the hell out some kid and asserting your dominance is a rare and exciting thrill. Until robots become adept at recreating the culinary masterpieces by the fairer sex it will remain a tie.

Round 2: Entertainment
Sports can entertain us both as we play them and as we watch them. They can provide hours of entertainment and are the perfect escape from work and life’s problems. There is something special about playing an organized sport, it’s a fantastic feeling and we can stay captivated for hours.

Women entertain us… they do things that are entertaining. They dance, some can sing or play an instrument or two. They can provide someone to dominate in Scrabble or as someone to listen to our vast knowledge of sports and why we know more than people on TV. They also find it fun to talk about how Suzie X is a slut because she slept with some guy and why their friend Suzie Y isn’t even though she slept with the football team.

Verdict: Sports – We know what to expect with sports, sometimes fights break out, but they’re fun. Fights with women are not fun. They call you names and make you feel bad for wanting to hang out with your friends instead of go to Bed, Bath and Beyond and just browse things for the house you’ll one day have or pick out cute baby names or imagine what your children will look like.

Round 3: Letting Off Steam
Had a bad day at work? Go hit some dingers in the park. Go to the beer league hockey game and fight some duster. Choke back the tears and run away from your problems while catching a deep bomb in flag football.

Had a bad day at work? You can’t go hit your significant other. Women generally aren’t into physical violence and don’t enjoy fist fights. Some girls are crazy, like Rachael Marshall, and throw down against their best friends. However when the police come they probably won’t believe you that you both agreed to a boxing match.

Verdict: Sports – It looks like sports are starting to run away with it, is there anything women can do to keep from losing us? Sports are a much better outlet period. A man needs to learn to bottle up his emotions and push them deep down inside until he self-destructs, leaves his wife and three kids for a 19 year old high school dropout and drives across the country on a vintage Harley. Careful boys, women try to trick you into talking and sharing your feelings, but scientific studies show it causes testicular loss.

Round 4: Everyday Life
Sports can teach us much about teamwork, group dynamics and leadership. All of these can be applied to everyday life. Sports allow us to bond, providing a common ground to unite with our brothers and enjoy life.

Women provide us with a life coach. They are a voice of reason in our impulse based decision making. They see the big picture, like why even though you think jumping into the tank at Sea-World is the best idea ever, there is another side to the coin, where it is filled with sharks, you can’t swim and you cry when seaweed touches your foot at the beach.

Verdict: Women – Chalk it up, the first big win for women. Men oddly can run a country, but are barely capable of bathing. Women will hopefully always be there for us, telling us not to wear that, don’t put that in your mouth, put that down, pick that up, you have to shave, you have to bathe at least once this week. I could go on and on. Thanks women!

Round 5: Sex
Sports do you even have a chance? Yes of course, we will always give you the benefit of the doubt. A sport has lots of ass slapping and hugging. It makes you feel like the man and you can brag about your “performance” to anyone that will listen. You’re often naked in sports and if you’re good at sports it can help you in your pursuit of women.

Women let us sometimes have sex. It’s fun, it’s entertaining and we feel great doing it. Women don’t stink like sports do, even though their perfume usually smells like burning tires and children’s tears and were likely used to torture hundreds of monkeys, dogs, cats and zebras.

Verdict: Women (barely) – Honestly the only thing that hurts women is the cuddling. What’s with women and feelings, they bring them everywhere, while we check them at the door to the sporting arena. Big advantage for sports is it’s totally cool with inviting another sport to join in, you can easily have a wicked threesome of soccer baseball and no one gets jealous.

Round 6: Social Standing
Sports can do wonders for your social standing. Everyone loves the guy who is good at sports, women and men both. It’s slightly cooler to play sports than to be really good at Halo 3, even though women think both are really hot.

Women can make other guys jealous, especially if she’s super hot and loves hitting bongs and drinking beers. A hot girlfriend or wife makes everyone jealous, you just have to make sure that everyone thinks that she doesn’t even care about feelings and they don’t find out she’s calling the shots.

Verdict: Sports – Women are cool, sports are cooler.

Round 7: Love
Women are pretty nice to us generally. They hug us and tell us we are the greatest, hottest, sexiest man alive that could be firefighting astronaut doctors if we really wanted to, but it’s obvious we’d rather relax. They do this despite the fact that many of us are incapable of rudimentary life skills such as reading, feeding ourselves and organizing anything other than a fantasy hockey pool.

Sports also provide that amazing loving feeling. You share love in ass slaps and high fives. Every man has felt love when his favorite team closed out a seven game series, came back from a huge deficit or won the big one. The defeats are equally as heartbreaking.

Verdict: Sports – It wasn’t easy picking sports, but we know what to expect from them. They don’t send mixed signals, they have rules, they help us maintain routine and don’t require much thought. They can hurt us, but we recover from it, knowing there will be another shot. They expect so much more than simple devotion, they need to play games, trick you, sleep around and generally do anything to piss you off because they think it will make you love them more. Sports wouldn’t do that, sports love you even if you play baseball and basketball in the same day.

Seven rounds, that’s it? Yea that’s it. We had some good times, learned a little and hopefully this clears up why a man will turn down a romantic evening of ballroom dancing, living room redecorating and wine tasting to watch any sporting event, from beetle races to the Stanley Cup finals. Sports rule, girls drool, na na na na naaaaaa!

This article has been submitted by Matt Douglas.