The On Deck Circle

This article has been submitted by Stu Wilkinson.

Soccer Players Dive Slightly More Than The Detroit Red Wings
Sorry to beat on Barbaro here, but as a non-soccer fan writing about soccer I’m required to talk about how much diving there is in the beautiful game. Also, I love complaining about things for which I can’t think of a viable solution. So obviously I’m qualified to go off on a mini-rant about how much flopping there is in soccer.

Now, I’m a member of the “it’s pathetic that Paul Pierce got taken off in a wheelchair” crowd. That moment actually cracks my top three favorite non-soccer embellishments from the past month, a list that carries the same level of prestige as a list of MTV Movie Award nominees. The top three consists of Chris Osgood’s reaction after being hit by Mike Ribiero, Johan Franzen going limp after getting a lovetap from Gary Roberts, and Paul Pierce’s aforementioned wheelchair/magical knee healing device charade. So after I was amazed by Mr. Pierce’s willingness to be rolled off the court during Game 1 of the NBA Finals, I’ve been absolutely astonished by Euro 2008 so far.

At least with the events named above something unfavorable did happen to the embellishing party – Osgood was slashed, Franzen got hit in the head, Pierce felt his knee pop. In soccer, guys just go down without provocation. It’s the only sport where a player will get his toes stepped on and then fall to the ground like he’s had his face slashed by Jason Voorhees. But hey, cheating is a part of soccer. As long as everyone knows that it’s going on and nobody’s saying these guys are warriors on par with hockey or football players, I’m good. More power to the players representing their home countries without a shred of dignity.

“Eurotrip” Was Right
I don’t have the DVD to do some stone cold fact-checking, but I believe that one of hypotheses put forward by “Eurotrip” was that Europe is one big parking lot. After watching the first weekend of Euro 2008 all I can say is well done, guys who brought me “Road Trip” staring Breckin Meyer. How are tens of thousands of lunatics from every country represented in this tournament making the trip to their team’s games, especially with gas prices in the old continent starting at an arm and a leg? Don’t transit expenses plus ticket costs price the average European soccer fans out of prime seats? The answer, of course, is no. The reason why? Europe is the size of a parking lot, so maniacs from Croatia can leave work and just walk fifteen minutes over to Austria and cheer their heroes on.

Thanks to Europe’s unique geography, the fans at Euro 2008 are incredibly enthusiastic. Instead of stiffs in suits occupying the first few rows like you would expect, there are guys wearing the goofiest hats I’ve ever seen. If you’re wearing a miniature castle on your head, how are you affording tickets to the second biggest international soccer? Shouldn’t you be working at a mini-putt course or Medieval Times instead of jumping up and down for an hour and a half plus the four minutes your team’s captain spent writhing on the ground after the opposition’s fullback looked at him cockeyed?

Quick side note: If you don’t think I’m writing a completely off-topic top twenty comedies list that includes “Eurotrip” and would destroy this site’s credibility if Blake ever posted it, you can’t tell the future.

Austria Is Better Than Advertised
My exhaustive Euro 2008 pre-tournament research started and ended with watching some British guy appear on The Score for about ten minutes. He told me a couple things – Portugal is good, Turkey and Russia could be good, and Austria doesn’t belong in the tournament. Austria went out and proved him wrong by losing to Croatia by the slimmest of margins, and on a penalty kick no less. Austria actually took it to Croatia in the second half, causing me to immediately jump on board their bandwagon. Surprisingly there’s still some room, but I think these guys could go out and beat whoever they play next. You heard it hear first.

That said, I know almost nothing about soccer. But I did stay at Holiday Inn Express last night.

Soccer On TV Is Different
My distaste for most things ESPN has been well-documented in recent times, but I don’t just dislike ESPN’s way of doing business. TSN, Sportsnet, and everyone else in the sports media consistently shove anything and everything down my throat when I’m trying to watch a game on their network. I’ve accepted this as standard practice for many years, and then of course Euro 2008 shows up and blows everyone else out of the water with its minimalist TV presentation. No commercials, no cross-network promotions, no Coors Light Cold Hard Facts. The girl of Grey’s Anatomy could have been in the crowd for Croatia’s victory over Austria this weekend and I wouldn’t even know it!

Obviously there is a downside to this way of presenting a game. There are no top-notch sideline journalists like Erin Andrews, nor are there wisecracking commentators like Dick Vitale or Jeff Van Gundy. Also, where are the shots of the cheerleaders and scantily clad female supporters? If Sweden’s fans don’t get some face time whenever I see them play, I might end up flip-flopping back to the side of North America’s sports media just in time for the next season of Dancing with the Stars.

Sweden Will Win
Like I said, I don’t know anything about soccer, but I think it’s pretty obvious that these guys are firing on all cylinders after their win over Greece. Don’t count out my Austrians though!

This article has been submitted by Stu Wilkinson.