This article has been submitted by the debuting and oddly named Sports Socialite.

WAAAAZZZZZAAAAAPPPPPP????

Ok, maybe a dated reference to an (awesome) old Budweiser commercial, but that’s just how I roll. Before I jump in to my first post, I just wanted to introduce myself. You’ll know me as the Sports Socialite. By good fortune I’ve grown up in the sports industry and have had the pleasure of attending a lot of wicked events in my young life. From the wealth of knowledge (and liver damage) I have acquired from my travels, I hope to bring you insider sports info, amusing chirps and the occasional song. So let’s do this, bitch…

I figure I’ll do my first post on a topic of expertise… the Toronto Maple Leafs… specifically, Mats Sundin.

The Free Agent Frenzy is gearing up, and clearly everyone wants to know where our favorite balding Swede is going. And no, the “balding Swede” is not a sex move… that I know of. Anyway, much has been made about Mats peacing out to either Montreal, Detroit or New York. Well I am pretty confident that whoever believes he would go to another team is a few lessons behind on their Hooked on Phonics.

Mats Sundin is going to retire. (P.S. if this doesn’t happen, pretend I never wrote this.)

I was told a while ago that the Leafs weren’t going to resign Sundin, and that they were going to buy out Tucker (happened) and McCabe (will happen if he doesn’t wave his no trade clause).

Sundin clearly demonstrated at the trade deadline his admirable love for the dysfunctional, backward, special-ed franchise that is the Leafs (a love that I share). He refused to go to a potential Cup winner because he felt that winning with the Leafs was more important (P.S. thanks for screwing us over the rest of the season, Mats. I had to cancel that pre-ordered Stamkos Leaf jersey. You owe me $300). Whatever. Not only did that show that he had no passion or drive to be a winner (AKA he’d never win it as a Leaf anyway because he doesn’t want the Cup), it also showed that the name on the front of the sweater matters a hell of a lot more to him than the one on the back (thank you Herb Brooks…Kurt Russell?).

Now ask yourself, would Sundin really taint his time with the Leafs by ending his career with the despised Habitants? Or in any other city for that matter? I doubt Old Man Winter has had a life-shattering revelation in the past few months that winning the Cup actually matters more than limping out your career with one team (fine, two if you can count the Nordiques). Sundin would be the Johnny Damon of hockey… except Sundin didn’t win a championship title before allying with the enemy. And Sundin looks more like that flamboyant VJ from MuchMusic than a caveman.

So Mats, it’s time to say good bye. We had a good run, and you probably would have had a better career if you had been given anyone better than the Twin Tards or Alexander “OHIP” Mogilny to play with, and if you had never had the unnecessary pressure of captaincy placed on you. I wrote you this song as a farewell present… (feel free to sing along to Don McLean’s American Pie)

A long, long time ago,
I can still remember
How your scoring used to make me smile
And I knew that when you had a chance
You could make that black puck dance
And then make Leaf fans happy for a while

This February, season’s shittier
You tried so hard, didn’t deliver
Deadline’s on the doorstep
You wouldn’t take one more step.

Into my beer, I did cry
When you refused to wave goodbye
We started winning because you tried
Why, oh Sundin, Why?

So bye bye, Mister former Leaf guy
Go get married, no more Cherry
Life in Stockholm is dime
And thanks for screwing us with Stamkos, it’s fine
Just retire and we’ll say our good byes
Don’t be a Hab, don’t even try

This article has been submitted by the debuting and oddly named Sports Socialite.