Now that the 2007-2008 NHL season is over, I have decided to start a new project. There are few upcoming sporting events which I am excited to write about. I thoroughly enjoyed Alex Jackson’s “preview” of the French Open, and considered doing a similar one for the 2008 Summer Olympics, but I shall leave it to the master. Another event I considered writing about is the 2008 Summer X Games, but I have this sneaky suspicion a young lovely and super bubbly ape doggy dogg has got that one covered with banana splitz toppings. So, I have decided to start a weekly article exploring topics of great interest to the male demographic. In these weekly articles, I will be exploring such topics as my limited theory on why women do what they do (looking to start discussion and criticism in the comments section), poker (how to build a bankroll from $50 to $1000, and the theory of poker to help improve your game) and some general articles relevant to the up and coming male generation as well as a little sports sprinkled on top.
As those who know me may attest to, I have very little self censorship and like to reserve the most mature topics of discussion for special occasions only. I’m going to be doing whateva I want all over these articles. There will be poop jokes, women may be referred to affectionately as bitches, occasional f bombs and multi cuss word combinations and an extra helping of sugar and splitz.
The inspiration for my first article comes from a recent discussion involving the Snuggler and Big Sexy relating sports plays and strategies to performing better in the ever frustrating search for desirable poontang. Strategies are rated on such parameters as; difficulty of execution, effectiveness, G-rating (level of gangsterness) and percentage chance of being kicked in the nuts (% chance during the execution of the strategy + % chance upon next encounter).
Sports version: Refers to plays in hockey, soccer, and basketball where a player intercepts or steals the ball/puck from an opposing player. It occurs in baseball when a base runner steals a base while the pitcher is, you guessed it, pitching. It is most often referred to as an interception in football, when a defensive player intercepts a pass from the offensive team’s quarterback. The recurrent theme is taking something you desire which someone else currently has possession of and telling them to suck your balls.
“Zetterberg lifted Crosby’s stick and stole the puck before heading in 1 on 1 vs. Marc Andre Fleury and putting it top cheese.”
Bitches version: Occurs when one male identifies a target currently engaged in conversation with another male. This strategy can occur at a dance club, a sports bar, or a kegger. The success of this strategy is identifying the status of the opposing male and gauging the female’s level of investment and interest in the interaction. If it’s Gary Coleman talking to Jessica Alba at a club in Hollywood, just stomp that motherfucker out and take what’s rightfully yours. If it’s a clueless pussy with a popped collar dancing with a visually pleasing bitty on the dancefloor, tell him either; his friend needs to talk to him outside, his collar is popped (then when he double checks, grab the bitches hand and start grinding right beside him) or tell him it’s fine, don’t worry, it’s fine man, it’s fine and just take the girl to another part of the dancefloor.
“Douglas told him no matter how many times he fills up their cups, he’s still not going to be able to sleep with them, filled up his own cup and then led the bitch to his bedroom.”
Difficulty of Execution: 4
Kicked in nuts: 35%
The Hail Mary
Sports Version: Occurs during the final moments of a football game where the offensive team has run out of viable options to tie/win the game and rests their chances on one final hail mary pass.
“Doug Flutie aired it out on the last play of the game and endured a 20 second orgasm on national TV when the pass was caught and they won the championship.”
Bitches Version: You’re in the club, you’re drunk as fuck, you’ve been trying to mack all night but things haven’t gone your way. Last call and you order two rye and cokes so you have something to dance with and a shot of vodka for that one last ounce of liquid courage. It’s 2:30 am, the lights are coming on soon, and then you see your chance, two plastered hoodrats dancing like animals to Sean Paul’s “Temperature”. You’ve got one rye and coke left and you decided to go for it. The success of this strategy lies in realizing your desperation. Get straight to business, creep up from behind, put your hand on her hips and mimic her retarded dancing, brushing your member up on her ass at every opportunity. Increase the level of physical contact every 10 seconds, move on to her friend or other members of the group if you can’t get a sniff.
“Adam said fuck it, and while sitting beside Jen on the couch, started kissing her neck and groping her gorgeous melons in one final hail mary play.”
Difficulty of Execution: 8
Kicked in nuts: 17%
The Two Minute Drill
Sports Version: In football, during the last two minutes of the second quarter or the fourth quarter where the offensive team moves to a hurry up no-huddle offence in attempting to score some final points before the end of the half/game.
“Peyton moved to a hurry up offence and hit Harrison on a corner route for a first down.”
Bitches Version: This strategy is put into effect in an attempt to avoid relying on a hail mary. The key to this strategy is to spend no more than five minutes on each bitch in an attempt to gauge your chances of railing. Key things to look out for are how slutty she’s dressed, how drunk she is (her balance and whether she’s double fisting) and if she’s wearing underwear or not.
“Blake moved into a hurry up offense at the club, initiated contact with six ditch pigs and identified two potential targets for last call.”
Difficulty of Execution: 3
Kicked in nuts: 9%
Sports Version: In hockey, when you’re controlling the puck down low, a defenseman creeps in from the blue line looking for a well timed pass to one-time into the back of the net.
“Ovechkin saw Greene move past his winger into the slot and fed him a perfect saucer pass for Greene to one-time through Brodeur’s 5-hole.”
Bitches Version: Occurs when vaginal sex just isn’t as desirable of an option as anal sex. The essence of this strategy is to send a probe to her backdoor to gauge her reaction. Your chances of success increase based on how loaded she is, whether you’re a repeat customer and whether or not you mentioned that bottle of KY in your bedside table. If the probe isn’t denied, roll her over to doggy style position, place your meat at the edge of her vaginal canal and then casually move it upwards and take the brown road. Repeat success is positively correlated to the amount of time spent cuddling following the deed.
“Warren’s probe was received with screams of “Oh God, Jesus Christ! Fuck!”, so he knew he was golden for going backdoor.”
Difficulty of Execution: 9
Kicked in nuts: 73%
The Sucker Punch
Sports Version: Occurs mainly in hockey, when one player is enraged at another player and proceeds to punch him in the face unexpectedly as the other player is standing there unprotected, knocking his ass out.
“Bertuzzi sucker punched Moore as retaliation for his hit on the team’s captain, Naslund.”
Bitches Version: Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck! You’ve just hung up the phone, and the news isn’t good. Remember Friday or Frosh Week? When you were wasted and convinced yourself she was on the pill and just decided not to pull it out? Well, the bitch is expecting in six months. It’s ok, don’t panic, you’ve got one final strategy up your sleeve. Invite the bitch out to Red Lobster for a nice seafood dinner to gauge her feelings towards having the baby. If she’s set on it, you only have one option. The sucker punch. Invite her over on her lunch break (it’s best to do it on an empty stomach), answer the door, point across the street and say, “Shit, is that a sale on Uggs over there?” Then, when she looks away, take one step back and firmly plant your foot in the ground, wind up and take direct aim at the uterus. Good luck man, you’re so fucked.
“After spending the past week crying in his room and contemplating a move to Africa, John decided his only option was to sucker punch Julie and send her a get well card.”
Difficulty of Execution: 7
Kicked in nuts: 193%
This is only a sampling of strategies relevant to both sports and dealing with women. I would love to hear about any other strategies, us as males, can make use of in the comments section.
This article has been submitted by Paul O’Neill.